Slap bang in the middle of that lot:
My daughter Millie: “Can I have an ice cream?”
My wife Jen: “I need a wee.”
It’s been officially declared as the driest June in the history of mankind.
I read recently about a wasp that turns cockroaches into passive zombies.
I think one has got me in the night
Two conversations, within five minutes, with my eleven-year-old daughter Millie:
When seeing Amanda Holden on television.
Millie: “My friend Sienna has met Amanda Holden.”
Me: “So have I.”
Millie: “Really? You’ve met her?”
Me: “More than once.”
Me: “Yes, I’ve met Sienna lots of times.”
Feeling the gap caused by a recently lost tooth:
Millie: “You know like I’ve lost a tooth? This girl in America was on YouTube and she put a tooth under her pillow and got a hundred pounds off the Tooth Fairy.”
Me: “No she didn’t.”
“Millie: “Err yes she did!!”
Me: “I bet you she didn’t.”
Millie: “Okay-shake on it then.”
Me: “Alright. If that girl in America got a hundred pounds I’ll give you fifty quid. If she didn’t you have got to do every job I give you for a week.”
We shook hands on the wager.
Me: “In America they don’t have pounds they have dollars.”
Yes goodnight Millie! Sleep well!
(Background information: this took place in my local library. I sometimes take part in clinical trials, and if a book I’ve ordered comes in while I’m away my wife picks it up for me.)
I called into Middleton Library today. Two librarians were stood at the desk, one greeting me in surprise:
L: “Hello! I’ve not seen you for a while! I was only thinking about you the other day.”
Me:”You thought I’d died, didn’t you? On a trial. Never came out again alive.”
L:“No! I saw that comedian on the tv . . . ”
Me:”Don’t tell me-Jason Manford.”
L:”No but . . . yes! You are like him!”
Me:”You’re the fourth person now to tell me that. Who was it you was watching?”
Me:”Well thanks a bunch!” I did that thing with my double chin.
L: ““I mean the way he tells his stories!”
The other librarian now joined in, thinking it an opportune moment to extricate her colleague from a conversation running amok.
L#2: “Didn’t I see your wife in here? While you were away?
Me: “With another man?”
L#2: “No! With the kids.”
Me: “To be honest I’m more worried about her being with the kids than with the other man. She’s not supposed to have access.”
My book was overdue. They waived the fine.